Dominic Greene: Quantum of Solace

A smarmy high class environmentalist that helps Bolivian general’s overthrow their governments in order to gain the trust and capital necessary to double cross them in the 3rd act and take control of the country’s water supply…No thanks.

Bond villains are classic archetypes; the criminal mastermind who has the cunning to put our hero in peril but not quite enough follow through to shoot him in the head at point blank range when he’s tied to a chair. Greene on the other hand is a snake who’s only strength is to engage in every personal interaction with an air of scumbag entitlement. Basically he’s the bastard child of Scott Disick and Roger Federer. Giving an audience douche chills is a hop, skip, jump, bound, leap. and sky dive away from conveying the true menace and intellect required to go toe to toe with Bond. Lame.

“So you think you can win Wimbledon Mr. Bond?”

Terl: Battlefield Earth.

Constant maniacal laughter at inopportune moments, grandiloquent speech and white guy dreadlocks? We are not off to a good start with Terl…

Aided by Forest Whitaker’s eye, Terl is clowned by his superiors and ordered to remain on vile earth as humanity’s slavemaster for an indeterminate amount of time. He responds by exhibiting classic symptoms of borderline personality disorder and passes the time by shooting grazing cows with lasers. How will he ever get out of this crap job? GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!! SWEET GOLD!…..thats right folks. We really can’t respect this guy as viewers can we? He is single handedly responsible for arming the rebellion he’s overthrown by and worse; killed Barry Pepper’s career….That dude was the sniper in Saving Private Ryan.. C’MON!!!!!

The Psychlos are still among us.

Mr Freeze: Batman & Robin

You knew it was coming. He IS the list: A villain so poorly conceived and executed that he draws nothing but guffaws with the sheer mention of his name. “Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom.”…………BWAHAHAHAHA! The worst part of this atrocity of a performance is that the character of Victor Fries is actually a complex tragic figure that in the hands of better writing/acting/direction could have been a fascinating juxtaposition to Batman and how he he uses his obsession for good. But nah, we get cheap winter related puns and diamond powered cryogenic football outfits. To be the funniest part of a movie where Robin’s nipples and Batman’s credit card vie for screen time with someone dancing erotically in a monkey suit is a tremendous achievement. Ultimately, the fans lost the most in this shameful display as future generations will know one of the most dangerous members of Batman’s rogue gallery as that dude in polar bear slippers who sang the snow miser song. Arnold laughed all the way to the bank and a gubernatorial stint while cinephiles had to wait a few years for Nolan to steer the ship from shark infested waters. Just the thought of this character sends me into an eye gouging rage Don Harris style…I need to chill.

“I will leave California with triple the debt. Cold as ice.)

Bullseye : Daredevil

Another comic book villain bites the dust…

When he’s not hustling bar patrons for their pocket change by masquerading as a semi professional darts player that dresses like Mystery the pick up artist; Bullseye is one of the world’s most fearsome assassins (according to that big guy from the Green Mile with the glandular problem). His strengths are killing old windbags with airline peanuts, pontificating on the fact that he “never misses”, bringing attention to his forehead and oscillating wildly between squinting his eyes one second then bulging them the next because he can. Somehow sniper’s bullets give him stigmata ( I can’t make this stuff up) and he’s unceremoniously flung out of a window. Colin Farrell was at the peak of his “It Boy” status in Hollywood when he dropped this turd on us and was probably too preoccupied getting hammered and banging co-eds to care about missing the mark.

” I never miss….really I swear…I just don’t”

“Cool story bro”

The Matrix Reloaded: The Architect

Talk about an anticlimax…

Even for the ugliest, loneliest geeks it’s ok to admit the Wachowski’s blew it. Once Neo opened that “mystery door” and the camera slowly panned over to reveal the understudy of on an off broadway production of Hamlet: the trilogy was done. The insult to injury is the condescension we are subjected to by the two writers as the Architect jerks off on Webster’s dictionary and spews a preponderance of expository dialogue (yeah I know, just like that). Once Neo flips him the bird and chooses bitches over duty but not money over bitches, the architect disappears until the last minute of the final film when he rolls up on the Oracle to ruminate on how he lost to Ted but not Bill then leaves her to enjoy a computer generated sunrise……..concordantly I said “WTF!”………

Well, we can take solace in the fact that the actor who played the Archtiect was named Helmut by his mother.

Also, Larry Wachowski no longer has testicles. That is all.

“Hey Larry…This dialogue is a mess. Good luck explaining this speech to the viewers.”

” I don’t need luck….I’m Goooooood.”

Written By: Brandon Cruz


Leave a comment

Filed under MOVIES

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s