Category Archives: MOVIES

HORROR QUALITY DIPS: Vampires (part one)

I remember the good ol’ days, when horror icons and characters were still viewed with the cringe of a brow, the shuttering of the eyes, and a racing heart. It’s exceptionally unfortunate that these generations of moviegoers are reduced to watching sappy, appalling, and outright offensive delineations of what true horror fans have come to love so dearly.

Does anyone remember when Vampires, Zombies, and Werewolves were petrifying? When the subtle movements from a cluster of the undead, mixed with a stomach turning score would make you sit at the edge of your seat? Or when the fangs and religious undertones of vampires would give you the need to possess a crucifix wrapped in garlic and dipped in Holy (tap) water? Even if you aren’t an ecstatic fanatic, the truth is, there has been a tremendous dip in horror, and an over saturation on television, which is making the category so “house-hold” that it is slowly losing its effectiveness.

Vampires: “Remember when they Ate you, instead of Date you?”

“True-Twilight-Diaries-Blood

There are three types of vampires.

  1. The thinker vampire- is the most predatorily effective bloodsucker. This is the completely coherent, calculating vampire, who preys on weakness (emotional or sexual) in order to accomplish his or her goal of draining you, only to make his or her victim feel as though its something they wanted all along.
  2. The ravenous “Zombie-Vampire”- one track minded blood thirsty monsters that have zero to no personality, and do more eating then actual “sucking.” They’re relentless, aggressive, and give little to no moment for preparation. They are malicious killers plain and simple, nothing to take lightly.
  3. The Sex idol vampire- this is quite possibly the worst thing that has happened to the vampire genre. Vampires are not disco balls; they explode or burn up in the sun. Vampires are not vegetarians, they manipulate you, fuck you up, and drink you DRY. Vampires do not fall in love with average girls who have an OPEN MOUTH issue. They don’t fall victim to dull plot lines, bad CGI, stupid monster designs, and poor dialogue (well maybe sometimes). Twilight and its various television counter parts, have given vampires a huge leap into the pits of junk entertainment, creating another genre that portrays MONSTERS as pathetic, soap opera driven teenagers with lip-gloss and glitter.

The average fan of Twilight, normally has a defense that continually has something to do with a reference to “you haven’t read” the books. These books are written for pre-teens, or tweens (ages 12-18) I HAVE NO BUSINESS READING THEM, and neither do men and women alike. Just because words like “Masochist” are thrown around the Novel, does not make it a good piece of literature, in fact, its complete shit.

Whatever happened to the ‘Lost Boys’ the original ‘Fright Night?’ or even 30 days of night? It’s as if these monumental films are nothing but a distant memory in an era of Suckers (the viewer). Instead of the greats we have True blood, a show that can be summarized basically by saying…”SEX!” Vampire Diaries, which is another boring plot line about forbidden love and vampires, shoot me. There are some hopefuls, such as Stake Land, which is more of a post apocalyptic movie then “vampire;” which is the latest attempt at breaking the mold in the ever growing bleak future of the Vampire Genre.

The point of this article is to optimistically reach readers who may potentially hate ever word I said, but at least give there curiosity a run for it’s money by checking out the following list of vampire films that may or may not have been exposed to an ever growing duped youth.

MUST SEE VAMPIRE FLICKS

Nosferatu: Eine Symphonie des Gravens (1922)

John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998)

Lost Boys (1987)

Interview with a Vampire (1994)

Dracula (1958)

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Let the Right One In (2008)

30 Days of Night 2007

Fright Night 1985

Stakeland 2010

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Paranormal Activity 3: Bloody Mary?????

Paramount finally premiered the new Paranormal Activity 3 trailer and all I have to say is “Bloody Mary?” To say “I’m confused about whether or not this franchise ever had an actual direction” is an understatement. The first film showed us how a low budget film can make good money with well thought out execution, the second film disappointed us, and it seems now that the third one is veering closer to banking off of the success of Insidious. Now even though the new film looks to be totally different, perhaps this is the BEST thing that could happen to PA. When I saw PA2, I just couldn’t help but think that it had a lot of unintentional Dark humor, particularly when we saw a floating baby in a crib. Them showing an actual “Ghost” or what they are calling “Bloody Mary” is just a natural progression of the film/audience interest and relationship. Even if it seems like they came up with the idea well after the original film, it works out pretty well in terms of the viewer, I mean, who wants to see another movie about NOTHING attacking people.

Paranormal Activity 3 Trailer

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“THE THING” Remake poster Revealed.

The Thing New Poster

THE THING

Hopefully we’ll get to see some old school prosthetics with a new age twist, instead of CGI green screen rape. If I see some sort of Alien/Monster baby, I’m walking right out. However, can’t wait.

THT-Chris

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Phoebe Cates Vampire Hunter

It’s always fun when I get something like this in my email!!!! Thanx fellas.

phoebe cates

Phoebe Cates Vampire Hunter

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SMALLVILLE FINALE DOESNT QUITE DELIVER

So concludes the tenth and final season of CW’s superman spinoff ‘Smallville,’ and with slight disappointment. For ten years, viewers watched, kept ratings up, just in-case during one episode we would get the chance to see even the slightest inkling of the show revealing the powers and superman qualities that everyone has grown to love. Not once was it expected that the CG (computer Graphics) for the “flying scene,” that looked like a playstation cut scene, would not only be brief with questionable editing, but also give nothing to the fans who have waited for the reveal.

They didn’t even show Clark Kent (Tom Welling) standing in full costume, what a let down! Instead they showed brief shots of him in close up, with a questionable CG cape floating in the back. They wrapped up the episode with a 7-year time lapse, where Chloe is speaking to her son, and telling him the story of how superman came to be, via a comic book. Lex Luther is running for president, Clark is now living up to his dork persona, and Lois is running shit. Some sort of ‘danger springs up’ and they close the 10-year investment with Clark running towards the camera, opening his shirt to reveal the S logo.

After all this time, I think people deserve more than just a transition scene as a closer, even if it was pretty cool to see, it wasn’t enough.

Yes, that is a gasp from a shocked viewer.

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Wonder Woman gets DENIED!

It looks like we will not get the opportunity to see a series about a “tight-red-patent-leather-super hero” whose overall chronicle and accompanying actor is unbelievable and upsetting. No, I’m not talking about coke bloat Ben Affleck; I’m talking about David E. Kelley’s Wonder Woman pilot that was being pitched to NBC. THANK GOD this show didn’t get picked up. From the costume shots alone you could tell that this was closer to “Power Ranger” than to “Iconic DC Comic book hero.” It’s rumored that because of the production cost of the pilot, this charade will be developed into a special feature, or Netflix release. Regardless of what happens, this was probably the best thing that could have happened, NOW, hopefully, there will be a proper portrayal of the heroine that could do it some justice, however bleak that may seem.

Five Reasons Wonder Woman series wouldn’t work

1. The costume sucks: Even with modern interpretations, this costume blows on so many levels.

2. To Fly or Not to fly?: Smallville has held us in complete suspense about having superman fly, now why would we want to see this chick in an INVISIBLE PLANE? Dumb stuff.

3. Who is really going to watch it?: Horny men who will watch just enough to “finish.” Fan boys who will also watch enough to finish or get distracted their Xbox and women who have the need to get the “XENA fix.”

4. No Longevity: Wonder Woman is not strong enough of a character to keep the attention of viewers for multiple seasons.

5. Because there are better ways to spend production money.

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Trick r’ Treat Director Celebrates EASTER

Fearnet is celebrating easter, not with chocolate and eggs, but by teaming up with Trick r Treat director Michael Dougherty to direct a “count down to Halloween” short. Dougherty once again killed it, with his signature, playful and creepy style of filming. Enjoy

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